Resilience: Tomorrow Starts Today
by manic mama 80
Summary: A glimpse into the adolescent struggles of Andi, Buffy, Cyrus, Jonah and T.J. - Potentially M in later chapters, T as of now. A closer look at the main crew as they navigate issues of friendship, dating, sexuality, academics and just growing up.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, I simply get to play in their universe :)

Night Time Thoughts: Andi

Andi sighed, turning over in bed restlessly to look at the alarm clock on her bedside table. The blue, glowing numbers read 12:38 a.m. She needed to sleep, wanted to sleep - wanted to do anything really - to escape the torrent of thoughts that refused to stop cycling through her brain. She kept picturing Jonah's face in front of her, remembering the look of what could only be described as sheer terror when she talked about one of them dating someone else. And then he was gone, practically running to get away from her, before she could even think of something to say back to him. She couldn't believe how quickly he had moved on. It hurt. A lot. But the moment the hurt would start to sink in, the second the tears threatened to make their presence known, she would forcefully shove them back down, deep inside, along with a million other emotions she didn't know how to process.

The problem was that Andi knew, in many ways, her pain was self-inflicted. She had been the one to tell Jonah first that she just wanted to be friends. She was the one who spent most of the summer analyzing every thought she had about him, and relishing the fact that when he wasn't around, the world felt a whole lot less complicated. It wasn't that she felt nothing for Jonah - far from it in fact. It was more that the pressure to be the kind of girl who dated Jonah Beck was too much for her. She wanted to own who she was, to stand firm in her ideas and beliefs, to not care what people thought. And being his girlfriend, bearing the weight of that title and everything it stood for - well it made her act like someone she wasn't. She was constantly worried about what he (and everyone else around them) was thinking about what she said, what she did, heck even what she wore (since when did she care what people thought of her clothing? She started trends out of nowhere for goodness sakes!). And so for the second time since they met, she made the decision that being herself was more important. The only problem was that the second time was so much harder than the first. She had started to see flickers of true depth in Jonah's character, to observe that below the surface, there was more to him than the popular athlete with the devastating dimples. She had always felt that he held back when it came to who he really was. She knew next to nothing about his family - he never talked about them and she was always too nervous around him to inquire herself.

Something about his countenance had changed though, right around the time he started hanging out with Bowie at the Red Rooster - Andi still had no idea how that even happened. How, exactly, did Jonah end up in the guitar shop that her Dad worked at as his sudden musical protege? Out of nowhere Jonah had this incredible voice and an insane talent for playing guitar and wrote songs that made her want to cry and kiss him all at once?

She shook her head from her reverie. She felt pulled in half. Half of her wanted to stand on her own two feet and figure out who she was - that was the part of her that had pushed for the no break up break up. But the other half of her was dying inside at the thought of Jonah with another girl. How fair was that? She couldn't say that she didn't want him but be upset when someone else did! But she was. She was just starting to truly enjoy herself around him, to let go of the anxiety and be herself without fear, and she felt like he was starting to let her in….until today. Now she felt as if she'd never be at peace with any decision she made concerning Jonah, and that was beyond maddening.

Andi picked up her phone, mindlessly searching for a distraction, and opened her text message chain with Buffy. She started to type, knowing that Buffy would wake up and answer her. Until she read the last exchange they had shared:

Buffy: Why didn't you come?

Andi: Something came up.

Buffy: (sad face memoji)

The date read 1 WEEK ago. 1 Week. She couldn't remember when she'd ever gone a week without texting Buffy. They were hanging in there at school, faking it - for Cyrus and for themselves, but there was tension. Definite tension. Andi put her phone down, and against her will, the hot tears started to fall as she realized how incredibly alone she felt.


	2. Chapter 2

Night Time Thoughts: Cyrus

Cyrus wakes up with a start, sweat drenching the neck of his t-shirt. He is breathing erratically, gulping the cool air as he trys to regain his composure. "I'm SO over this fucking nightmare" he thinks as he takes more deep breaths to try and rid himself of the sick, twisted feeling in the pit of his stomach. It doesn't work. He bolts to the toilet in his en suite bathroom, the bile rising in the back of his throat as he heaves the remains of his dinner into the toilet. Wiping at the corners of his mouth, he lays down on the bathroom floor, pressing his cheek to the cold tile. He wants to cry, he wants to scream, he wants to punch the wall - and Cyrus isn't one to resort to violence, so that's saying something.

He has been having the same dream over and over for close to two weeks now and it is taking a toll on him - physically and mentally. In the dream, Cyrus is standing towards the back of the Jefferson Middle School basketball court - he can hear nothing but the raucous screaming of students, cheering for Jefferson as they make basket after basket. Suddenly the screaming turns to laughter, and Cyrus looks around frantically. The poster board signs that dotted the crowd with witty slogans and messages of school spirit only moments before suddenly bear expressions of hate and homophobia. He closes his eyes, but the words have razor-sharp edges that cut deep into his heart. FAG. HOMO. FREAK.

Distraught, Cyrus innately looks for Buffy or Andi, they are his safe space to fall. At first, he can't find them. He spots Buffy first, in the stands to his left, trying desperately to get to him but blocked by infinite rows of students. The tears are streaming down her face as she points across the gym to Andi. He looks to his right and he sees her, a similar look of panic sweeping across her features. Neither of them are able to get to him and he doesn't know which of them to run to - his feet seem to be rooted in place. Cyrus scans the court and locks eyes with T.J. - the revulsion upon his face is so intense that there is no question as to how the older boy feels. Each night this is where Cyrus awakens, the dream gone but the terrible feelings still horrifically present.

Some nights are easier - the deep breathing helps, he is able to talk himself off the ledge and calm his racing pulse. He is nearly never able to get back to sleep, but he at least can distract himself by listening to music or journaling until dawn. On the bad nights though, the darkness and fear win and his mind and body wage war against one another. On these nights he is never more grateful that he has a bedroom with his own bathroom, tucked away on the other side of the staircase from his mother and step-father. There is usually vomiting, shaking and sobbing. There is no part of him that wants his therapist parents to find out about these secret struggles - first because they will worry and he sees no need to put anything more on their already full plates, and second because he will always assume that as therapists they are psycho-analyzing his behavior. He doesn't want to be yet another problem for them to fix.

Physically exhausted but his mind wide awake, Cyrus pushes himself up off of the bathroom floor. He brushes his teeth to rid his mouth of the terrible acrid taste, and then grabs his headphones from his desk, plugging them into his phone in an attempt to drown out the noise in his head. He curls up on his bed, glancing through his blinds at the moonlight that casts silver stripes across his comforter. 2 a.m. has never felt more lonely.


	3. Chapter 3

Night Time Thoughts: Buffy

WB 10:22pm: Ur smile makes me happy...I think it might be my favorite thing about u…

Buffy rolled her eyes, but couldn't stop the grin that was slowly spreading across her face as she read Walker's text. He had this way of making her feel...giddy? It was like her insides turned to jelly - but in the best possible way.

BD 10:23 pm: My smile huh? Not my mad grilled cheese skills? 2 think u thought u'd eaten the best there was at that corner cafe. Pshhhh. They've got nothing on me.

WB 10:24 pm: TRUTH. I was kinda blown away - urs were by far superior. Lol, not that I'm surprised. All I had 2 do was set the bar with the 1 from the cafe and let ur competitive nature take over. Maybe that was my plan all along… ;)

BD 10:25 pm: I'm not competitive. I'm just hyper focused on being the best. Completely different things.

WB 10:25 pm: Uh huh. Okay. Lol. We'll just go back 2 talking about your smile. Which... I feel like I haven't seen much over the last week. U ok?

Buffy tensed up immediately. She wasn't sure there was enough time in the world to explain to Walker how she was feeling. On one hand, she was insanely happy. The two of them were becoming closer everyday and having a lot of fun together at the same time. It wasn't stressful, there wasn't drama, they were just getting to know each other...sure, there was a fair amount of flirting too, but overall it was innocent, fun and new. Making history with a girl's basketball team at Jefferson was proving harder than she thought it would be, but she was making headway, and she had found an unlikely ally in T.J.

There was really only one part of her life that wasn't...right. It was her friendship with Andi. She couldn't remember a time where things between them had felt so strained. There had been little acknowledgement of the issue between them, they were pretending everything was fine, but both of them knew they were the furthest thing from fine. Just thinking about the tension made Buffy's chest tighten. She didn't know how to fix things. She understood why Andi was hurt, but she also felt like she had given her best attempt at honesty and at trying to take Andi's feelings into consideration. Unfortunately, Andi wasn't being real about how she felt, and Buffy was left to guess. She was confused, angry, sad and she missed her best friend. She had once compared herself, Cyrus and Andi to an ecosystem of sorts, and it had never felt truer than now. When one struggled, they all struggled.

BD 10:29 pm: I'm good. Busy being a game changer, crushing gender norms - you know how it is.

WB 10:30 pm: U miss Andi. We may be new at this friendship thing Buffy, but I'm not dumb. It's my fault in a way. I can offer to walk away and we can pretend we never started doing whatever "this" is...but I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be really hard for me. Andi never stopped talking about u when her and I would hang out...I was blown away by the friendship that u, Cyrus and her had. It was clear when u moved that ur impact in their lives was beyond any friendship that I've ever been a part of. And now...I'm getting to see y. I don't want u 2 lose Andi...but I don't want 2 not do whatever it is we're doing either.

Elation and sadness were both vying for dominance in Buffy's heart. Walker seemed to genuinely like her...and that felt pretty great. But he was right about Andi and the impact it was having on her. She felt lost.

BD 10:34 pm: I miss her, but she and I will figure it out. It might take time but we'll get there. And for the record, I don't want 2 not do whatever it is we're doing either. Talk 2morrow?

WB 10:35 pm: U got it. Sleep well.

Buffy sighed and put her phone under her pillow in favor of staring up at the ceiling. She hoped that Andi knew that she would never give up on their friendship. She just wanted her friend to be honest with her - but instead it seemed like she had simply replaced Buffy with Amber. How quickly things had changed. Just a few shorts months ago Buffy was staring at the ceiling of her bedroom in Phoenix, reading endless texts and listening to strings of voicemails from Andi and Cyrus - she felt so loved and missed. She hadn't responded because she didn't know how to process the sadness she felt. She still felt guilty about that. Now she was only blocks from Andi physically, but it felt like there was an ocean between them. The irony was almost comical.

After being lost in thought for close to an hour, Buffy felt her eyes slowly start to droop closed. She was just drifting off when she remembered she had forgotten to do something, there was one thing she did every night without fail. She pulled her phone out from underneath her pillow, and found her text message thread with Cyrus.

BD 11:49 pm: Nite Cy. I know it's late and u won't see this until morning - sorry, I got wrapped up with something. Love u.

She hit send and was asleep within seconds, although her phone lit up only a minute later displaying an incoming message.

CG 11:50 pm: HA! Maybe I'm not as predictable as u and Andi think. I'm embracing my inner night owl these days. We don't have 2 talk about the fact that u not texting me goodnight yet was really messing with my routine. Who am I kidding? I'm totally predictable. I just can't sleep. Love you 2 Buff. More than u know.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: I find Jonah INCREDIBLY hard to write, mostly because they have let us see so little of his depth in the show. My gut tells me this is intentional, that there is a back story of sorts that we will see pieces of, but in the meantime it is very hard to write him accurately and hopefully stay canon. I alluded to Libby, but intentionally tried to keep it vague in hopes that as the story unravels I can still be canon lol. Also, I definitely am not someone who sees Jonah as bi or gay - not because there is anything wrong with it (I love Cyrus' storyline and I'm a obsessed Tyrus shipper) but because I just don't think it's who Jonah is or the role that HE is supposed to play in this universe. But you never know, I could be totally wrong! Enjoy the chapter!

Night Time Thoughts: Jonah

Ping.

Ping.

Ping.

Disoriented and bleary eyed, Jonah reached over and grabbed his phone from his nightstand, glancing out his bedroom window as he did so. It was pitch black outside. He unlocked his phone, revealing a string of text notifications from various senders. He swiped right to see that there were 3 from Libby, 1 from Buffy, another from Cyrus, 1 from Bowie and finally, a single text from Andi.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the feeling that he had just been hit by a truck. There was no frisbee practice after school today, and he had had no other plans, so when he walked in the door at 3:30pm he went straight to sleep. He knew better than to nap after school - but it seemed much easier than dealing with...well dealing with anything really. His life felt messy lately, and Jonah despised complicated.

He picked up his phone from beside him and began to open the messages. Libby's had gone unread the longest as she had texted him around 430, right after he had fallen asleep. The first was a link to a YouTube video, followed by 2 quick texts.

Libby 429pm: Thought you'd find this funny

Libby 531pm: Or not….noted lol

He typed back a quick reply. / Srry, I wasn't feeling good after school, I was asleep. Talk 2 u 2morrow /

Not surprisingly, Buffy's was a request to hang out later in the week so she could show him up with some new tricks she'd been perfecting on his old board. He chuckled in spite of himself - he appreciated her predictability at least. A reply could wait, he'd see her in biology tomorrow and hopefully he'd have enough energy to accept her challenge and dish her back some of her own trash talk.

Cyrus' was next:

Cy-Guy: Hey JB - we haven't hung out since I made u paddle me back to shore all by urself. Yeah, yeah I know u weren't shocked. Wanna come hang out at my dad's place? You could beat me at ping pong with baby taters after? Playing referee to Buffy and Andi is getting old, so just us. The girls don't need to know...but if they catch us I'm telling them it was all ur idea.

Jonah shook his head slightly and replied back to Cyrus.

/Hey Cy-Guy, ur on. Name the time. The girls would probably assume it was my idea anyways, you're safe ;) /

Bowie was simply sending Jonah a reminder about his guitar lesson tomorrow and adjusting the time by a half hour. Jonah updated the time in his phone calendar and deleted the text.

Finally, suppressing the urge to delete it without even opening it, he tapped Andi's message open.

Andiman: Things r weird with us. I don't like it.

Jonah flopped back onto his bed and scrubbed his hands across his face. Weird was an understatement. In a way, he wished he were as oblivious to the world around him and to people's feelings as he had been when he and Andi met. Sure, it had caused some problems, but overall it was so much easier.

He had spent a lot of years suppressing any emotion other than happiness. He didn't even really have a good reason, other than everyone else seemed happy when he was happy, so he went with it. Jonah had a difficult time processing other people's anger, sadness and disappointment. He always felt compelled to try and fix everything, and that wasn't always possible - so instead his strategy was simply to keep everyone happy. This included himself. Negative emotions stressed him out, so he just pushed those thoughts down deep hoping to not have to deal with them. After awhile it became second nature to observe life from this somewhat disconnected vantage point.

And then Andi Mack had walked into his life, and his carefully crafted facade slowly but surely started to crack, coming to a crescendo at Cyrus' Bash Mitzvah when he had to face some of the most intense feelings of his life. He had been hit so hard and so suddenly when he saw Andi with Walker, and then again that same evening when she spoke words so honest and painful to him that he thought for sure he would never be able to pretend to be happy again.

The panic attacks started that night and hadn't quit since. The frequency depended on his stress levels and how much he was able to distract himself. Music was his favorite form of distraction because it also helped him process how he was actually feeling. Sometimes this was a good thing - but other times writing songs about how he felt just forced him to feel those suppressed emotions with a magnitude he wasn't prepared for.

In the quiet darkness of his bedroom, alone, Jonah could now admit that Andi Mack had changed him, and there was likely no turning back. She was one of the first girls he had ever met that looked beyond his smile and dimples - and saw his flaws. As much as it hurt him, both times that she had rejected him had been because she was so incredibly self-aware that she put who she was and what she wanted to be ahead of temporary happiness. It wasn't as if it had been easy for her, that much had been obvious. And now they were attempting to navigate a friendship - one that was complicated by new crushes and old feelings and their shared circle of friends.

The Good Hair Crew. Jonah knew how lucky he was that through everything he and Andi had navigated, he was still welcome among them, and even supported by Cyrus and Buffy. The three had cultivated their friendship over YEARS, and yet he had been accepted quickly as a part of them. He wasn't shown the door when he messed up. Not when he did or said stupid things to Andi, not when he told Cyrus and Buffy about his panic attacks, not even when he left for 8 weeks with practically no notice. They were just genuinely happy when he was back home. For the first time ever, he had friendships that did not feel conditional - thanks to the pixie haired girl who saw him as more than just the popular athletic kid.

So yes, things were weird between them. He didn't know how to explain to himself or to her the immense weight of his feelings for her. He wasn't even sure that they were romantic feelings - he hadn't been lying to her when he said he just wanted to be friends - they clearly had hit roadblock after roadblock when they were "together", and so, he reasoned, maybe friendship made the most sense. He tried to ignore the fact that on occasion his heart would still flip flop in his chest when she smiled or that whenever he saw her struggling over all of this Buff/Walker drama he wanted to give her the biggest, longest hug ever and tell her that things would be okay.

He took a deep breath. It was clear that he hadn't figured out exactly how Andi fit in his life, but one thing was clear. She was one of the most important people in his world for reasons she didn't even know. Maybe one day he'd be able to make more sense of his feelings and he'd be capable of sharing, but for now he would have to settle with the realization that while not all feelings were easy to process, they all were a part of him - and he had Andi Mack in part to thank for that. It felt a little bit like a piece of him had been found, centered possibly.

He picked up his phone and replied to Andi's text.

/Hey Andiman - I know, things r weird. I don't like it either - but the good things r never easy right? We'll get there./


End file.
